So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
zippers are such a cool invention
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
