I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
