i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Too much gin, very little bucket
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
as a side note pls kill me
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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