Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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