I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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