This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
