Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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