The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
