tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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