I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
