Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
