Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We need to get me chipped asap
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
