the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
