i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
