I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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