Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
