I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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