i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
