I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
