I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
