she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
