Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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