we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
