We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
