Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize