i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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