Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
