woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize