Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
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