i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
