I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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