Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
