How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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