Your face is a jimmy john
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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