Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
