Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
