My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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