I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
