he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
