I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
