i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
