I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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