I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
