Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
