dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
