My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
