Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
