Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
