1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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