tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
