when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
