Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just found puke in my bra..
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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