we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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