I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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